This post is not
particularly insightful. Nor is it all that authoritative. I am not claiming to
be the world’s best husband – far from it. But one thing I can attest to is
that I am always trying to be better for my wife and kids. I never forget that
our relationship is something that needs to grow and change and be worked on.
In this post I am
going to tell you all the most important things I know about being a
good husband, boyfriend or life partner. Some of these I figured out
myself, others I learned through experience.
NOTE – This post is
for the men out there. Ladies, perhaps you can read it too and if you like it
email it to your man.
The role that always
changes
The first thing that
you need to know if you want to be a good husband is that things change.
Your partner changes, you change, your life situation changes. And because
these changes take place without warning you constantly need to evolve as a man
and as a partner. If you aren’t willing to change who you are (or think you
are) then you are going to run into trouble in your relationship.
That being said, being
a good husband is not about bending to your wife’s every whim. Not at all. In
fact, she wouldn’t like it if you did that. A good woman will always want you
to be true to yourself and to do what makes you happy. But she will expect you
to change when change is required, and rightly so.
The reason I wrote
“become” instead of “be” in the title is because this is a role that is always
changing. The job is never finished. The good husband, boyfriend or
life partner will always see that there is work to be done on his relationship
and his self. Please take this to heart.
How to become a
better husband, boyfriend or life partner
I would like to share
some tips with you now in the hope that they will impact your relationship in
some positive way. Sadly I have not had that many great male role models in my
life so my idea of what a husband should or should not do is something that is
constantly changing. If anyone out there knows better than me or has some
insight into what a husband really is I would love to read your comments.
1. Learn to listen,
but not just to her words
One of the best things my experience has taught me (indirectly) is that a man
needs to listen to a woman on many levels not just her speech. By the time she
has to tell you to do something you have often already missed several hints
that she has been giving you. If you want to be a good husband you need to
learn what these hints are.
Helping out with
dishes, even help sometimes with the cooking would be great.
Being a good husband
means listening, not just to her words, but to her more quiet signals. Every
woman is different and communicates in different ways and as her best friend it
is your job to figure them out.
2. Suggest and create
excellent communication habits
After reading the first point you might be thinking, “why can’t she just tell
me what she wants?” That is fine. If you have spent a lot of time talking to
your wife and creating a relationship where she can openly ask you to do
something without feeling like she is nagging then that is excellent. Wait for
her to tell you. Mostly, however, your wife will say she shouldn’t HAVE to ask
you, you should just do it. This is where communication comes in.
Becoming a good
husband means creating excellent communication habits. Sometimes this is hard.
Sometimes in the heat of anger you won’t want to communicate. But a good
husband tries to. A good husband will find out why you have got to the point of
getting angry and create a solution.
Opening the
communication and creating good communication habits will save your
marriage. Be creative. Don’t say “what’s wrong woman” and expect her to
tell you and then be cool with it. Take some responsibility and create a
solution. This has a lot to do with how much he respected your partner.
3. Don’t lose your
sense of individuality
This is not something that you ever get told by your parents but it is
something that is so important I had to write about it. Don’t lose your sense
of individuality. Don’t become one of those couples that merges into one. A
marriage is not a melding of two people; it is two individuals coming together.
If you lose that individuality you lose something special.
Quite often I see people get together and then
give up their hobbies, past times and interests because they are all absorbed
in their partner. Within a few months or years the relationship is over (or in
chaos) because they are bored with each other. They gave up their
individuality.
4. Never hit, swear at
or yell at your wife
It might seem obvious to some people but other people seem to miss the memo. It
is never okay to hit, swear at or yell at your wife. If you
get to a point where you find that yelling is the only answer then you have
made a mistake somewhere along the line and need to go back and fix it up.
She is not a dog that
needs to be trained by showing your dominance. She is your life partner, your
best friend and your lover. Hitting, swearing and yelling are forms of
degradation and not fit for this person.
For all the men out
there who think that yelling is necessary I understand where you are coming
from. I know the place you are in, I have been there. But I would like to offer
you a quote
“The real measure of a
man is by how quickly he gets angry.”
You will not show your
dominance by yelling at your wife. All you will show her is that you have a
weak will and a low level of patience. Then man she would really respect is the
one that can stand up for himself without resorting to bullying. The real man
is one who can keep his calm in battle, sport and love. Please think about
this.
5. Show creative
leadership
I do not think that the male is the leader in the relationship. I am well aware
that men and women are equals and have always thought this to be the case. One
thing I have learned, however, is that your partner will love you all the more
(and find you more attractive) when you can show creative leadership in the
relationship. Let’s look at an example.
You have both had a
big day, just arrived home and are pretty hungry for dinner. But there is
nothing in the pantry. Quite often you will both sit around umming and ahhhing and
thinking about what to have. Should we get take away or should be be good and
cook? However, instead of sitting around and wondering, a creative leader would
make an assertive decision and then get it done. No fuss. No mucking around.
Just action.
Scientifically
speaking women are programmed to like this behavior as it shows strength and
survival skills. But more than that is takes away a layer of stress. If you can
show some creative leadership when she isn’t feeling at her best she will
really appreciate the input. It might be dishes, a conversation over dinner,
the color of the new paint or a solution for a problem she is having. Once you
start doing this for her you will notice how often she has been doing it for
you!
6. Love her, but not
just with words
A big theme in this post is that you must be a husband in more than just words.
Words are empty if they are no backed up with meaning and action. The same is
true of love. You could tell her that you love her 1000 times a day but it
means absolutely zero if you then turn around and ignore her.
A good husband will
find new ways to love his wife. He will listen to her stories, ask her about
her day, value her input in the house and in your life and always make sure she
feels that appreciation. Tell her how much you admire her actions and who she
is becoming as a woman. But don’t do it if you do mean it; make sure the words
have meaning. If you can find a way to connect the words with an action that
shows you are serious she will love you forever.
7. Don’t beg for sex,
create the moment
A real man will never have sex with his wife when she doesn’t want to.
Unfortunately, sex is such a big part of a relationship if problems start to
occur the relationship can get a bit rocky. One piece of advice that I can give
you is that a good sexual partner creates the circumstances for
enjoyable sex, he never asks or begs for it. If she isn’t into it then you need
to be patient.
Conclusion
Being a good husband,
boyfriend or life partner is something that is constantly evolving. There may
be many occasions where you lost your cool, got mad, said things that you
regret later. Mind you I have done that and trying really hard not to. The key
to a good relationship is compromise and a load of patients. If you can finds
these key ingredients in you, then you are on your way.
You cannot just sit
back, do nothing and hope for it all to work out for the best. Try to love her
with more than just words, be creative and create some really clear communication
habits.
