In this post I am going
to talk about a few things you can try if you are worried about money and
need to talk to your wife or partner. While I am no relationship
counselor I am fortunate enough to be in a relationship where openness,
patience, honesty and discussion are held to be very important. Because of that
we have developed some really helpful solutions over the years that I hope will
help some of you out there.
A man never tells?
Do you ever felt like you shouldn’t
talk to your wife about money for fear of worrying her or appearing to
not be “providing” very well. Well what
I can say is this could be harmful to the relationship and that, 99% of the
time, your wife wants to know what’s going on and would prefer it if you
discussed any issues with her instead of pretending everything is okay. The
more you think about it the more you will realize that it’s right. Your wife will know if you
are stressed or upset about something and as such would prefer to know what is
going on in your life. I am quite certain she would rather have the opportunity
to help you work through it as opposed to knowing something is wrong but not
being told any information.
The sad truth is
that most men never tell. Most men are under the impression that
they have to provide for the family and if they have any money troubles they
aren’t doing their job as a husband or a father or a man. But this stigma can
be quite harmful – I know many of the men who live by these rules wind up
struggling with intense anxiety and are often fighting with their partners as
soon as money becomes an issue. They are too ashamed to talk.
I think if you want to
have a healthy relationship when money starts to become a worry you need to set
some of these labels aside and really be open to the idea of talking to
your partner, asking for help or at least being strong enough to admit
there might be a problem.
How to talk to your wife or partner about money
1. Understand that they want to help
One of the things that may help you realize is that your partner would want to help. This is a very important moment as it may free you up a lot inside. At first you may think that you would be stressing her or placing your burden on her if you talked about money but you may learn that she probably wanted to be a part of the solution. Try and understand that your husband or wife loves you very much and they would want to be there for you if things were getting tough.
2. Work together like a
company
Having worked in business for many years I know a few little things about making money. And one of the things I know is that if a company doesn’t work together things don’t go so well. Imagine if the finance department didn’t communicate with marketing or sales – no one would know how much money they could spend or needed to make to turn a profit. It would be a very bad situation. The same is true for a relationship; you both need to understand the money situation and know how to communicate all aspects of your personal finances. Both husband and wife need to know how much is coming in and how much is going out on bills, expenses, etc.
Having worked in business for many years I know a few little things about making money. And one of the things I know is that if a company doesn’t work together things don’t go so well. Imagine if the finance department didn’t communicate with marketing or sales – no one would know how much money they could spend or needed to make to turn a profit. It would be a very bad situation. The same is true for a relationship; you both need to understand the money situation and know how to communicate all aspects of your personal finances. Both husband and wife need to know how much is coming in and how much is going out on bills, expenses, etc.
3. Don’t judge
I remember growing up and witnessing financial arguments between my father and mother, at the end, they wouldn’t have resolved anything. One of the things many husbands & wife’s have in common is that they are very judgmental about any spending’s that had happened over the month. Dad would be angry about Mom buying something for the house and Mom would be angry about Dad eating expensive lunches. But one thing I noticed over the years was that every time they got “told off” by the other one they hid more and more purchases. They were afraid of being judged so they would often buy things and then hide them and tell the kids, “Don’t tell your father“.
I remember growing up and witnessing financial arguments between my father and mother, at the end, they wouldn’t have resolved anything. One of the things many husbands & wife’s have in common is that they are very judgmental about any spending’s that had happened over the month. Dad would be angry about Mom buying something for the house and Mom would be angry about Dad eating expensive lunches. But one thing I noticed over the years was that every time they got “told off” by the other one they hid more and more purchases. They were afraid of being judged so they would often buy things and then hide them and tell the kids, “Don’t tell your father“.
If you want to keep the relationship open and
honest it is important to be as judgment-free as possible. Don’t get angry if
your husband buys something that you don’t think he needs. The same goes for
your wife, instead of getting upset try using the technique below.
4. Be gentle
One thing I have been learning lately is how we must try to be gentle and kind to other people and not use harsh words.
One thing I have been learning lately is how we must try to be gentle and kind to other people and not use harsh words.
A great Buddhist
master from Tibet called Longchenpa had said something
that I thought might be nice to share at this point:
“In these decadent times one may reproach the
crude people around one. Although one thinks it will be useful to them, it is
just the source of poisonous thoughts. To utter peaceful words is my advice
from the heart. Without any selfish consideration, one may, with affection,
tell people their defects, only thinking of their own good. But although what
one says is true this will ulcerate their hearts. To say gentle words is my
advice from the heart.”
When talking to your loved one about sensitive
issues I have found it is very helpful to be as gentle and diplomatic as
possible. After all, you aren’t trying to make them feel bad or point out their
mistakes; you are trying to find a solution to the problem. And I think those
solutions very rarely come from harsh speech.
5. Make a list of
discussion points aimed at a solution
I once read a quote by an anonymous CEO that said, “Don’t bring up a problem unless you have a solution for it“. He was, of course, talking about going to see your boss about issues in the workplace but I think it fits quite well into our topic. If you want to have a healthy discussion about your money troubles try making a list of points to talk about and make sure that list is aimed at a solution.
I once read a quote by an anonymous CEO that said, “Don’t bring up a problem unless you have a solution for it“. He was, of course, talking about going to see your boss about issues in the workplace but I think it fits quite well into our topic. If you want to have a healthy discussion about your money troubles try making a list of points to talk about and make sure that list is aimed at a solution.
The reason we found this to be helpful is
because it gives the conversation some direction. Instead of sitting around and
getting stressed about all the things that were going wrong we instead talked
about what we need to do in the short, medium and long term to fix it. This
seemed to diffuse a lot of the tension as well, shifting the focus from the
negative to the positive.
Conclusion
Financial stress can really eat away at you on
the inside so try to remember that you have a wife or partner who would love to help
you sort through the problems. If you are open, honest, gentle and have a plan
of attack there is no reason why money worries should take a toll on your
relationship. In fact, working together through rough patches might just help
to make your relationship stronger and more supportive.
